


Fix me

by Argentum_offspring_Cancri



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Homophobia, How Do I Tag, Humanstuck, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Build, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, most canon characters are missing, toxic parents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 15:21:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14936841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Argentum_offspring_Cancri/pseuds/Argentum_offspring_Cancri
Summary: Karkat Vantas and Gamzee Makara are two troubled teenagers. Karkat tries to get his life together after being kicked out of his house and Gamzee tries to quit his drug addiction. Both suffer depression and both are very, very lonely. It just so happens that they meet each other one day and get the chance to talk to each other. They find that they understand each other very well and try to help each other.They become friends, and after sometime lovers. What happens next? read to find out!





	Fix me

Karkat's POV:  
The name's Karkat Vantas. I'm a 16 years old and I'm trying to get my shit together.  
I'm depressed as fuck and for now there's not much I can do about it. Why? Well first, I'm currently living with my big brother, Kankri and his roommate and best friend, Cronus Ampora. I can't stand them. Well, my brother at least. If Tumblr was a human, it would have been my him. He is constantly ranting about what's wrong and what's right and acts like he is the most moral person in the entire fucking universe. Don't say that certain thing and don't act that certain way around those certain people or, god forbid, you might 'trigger them'! That's his mentality in a nutshell. His dictionary is also full of buzzwords. Just disagree with him about the pettiest thing and you'll see! 'But Karkat!' I hear you say, 'he simply cares and tries to protect others!' No, he does fucking not! He puts on this social justice warrior facade because he actually doesn't give a flying horse fuck about anyone and anything... and that is the most annoying thing I find about him! I don't know Cronus that much. All I know is that he tries to be a ‘cool guy’ of some sort and he has the mental strength to tolerate my brother’s rants. He has tried to talk to me a few times but I always told him I’m not in the mood to talk or something of the sort...He respects that, so I guess he’s not *that* annoying. But still, I wanna move out.  
There’s no place to go tough. I have no friends to take me in. I can’t go back to my father because he is the one who made me live with my brother in the first place…It’s hard to talk about this…You see, my father is a pastor at a local church. He and I didn’t get along very well because of that… Now don’t get me wrong, he was a very, very loving father and he tried to talk with me whenever he saw I was feeling down, but whenever I told him what the problem was, he’d tell me to simply tell me he’d pray for me or that I have to turn to god, which didn’t help at all. I suffered from a very bad depression since I was in 3rd grade and I wanted him to take me to a therapy about it but he didn’t. I have stopped sharing my feelings with him for a long time… I once told him that I don’t believe in god anymore and he wasn’t pleasantly surprised by those news. I guess he didn’t want to believe this because he simply brushed it off as a phase and told me It’s ok to have doubts as long as I turn back to god… he didn’t even listen to me that time! That’s not why he kicked me out though… he kicked me out because I told him I was gay. It happened accidentally! One night we just talked and the conversation touched on the topic of gay marriage. We got in a fight about it and in my anger I accidentally told him. Then he kicked me out… I get it, from his point of view, being gay means going to hell and, as his son, he wants to protect me from hell, so he punishes me, hoping I’d change… I guess in his mind, I’m just making shit up because of ‘‘demonic possession’’ or some shit… I guess, to him, after I struggle for a bit the demon would leave and I’d magically turn straight…but I won’t. I won’t turn into one of those homophobes who secretly desire a big , massive cock fucking their fucking ass!  
… After I went to my brother’s place and told him about what happened he started asking questions. “Why didn’t you tell me?” ”Don’t you trust me?” ”For how long have you been hiding this??” I remember crying my eyes out as I told him about it all, with him patting my back asking all those questions... and Cronus remaining silent, being unable to help… Then one question struck me “have you had a boyfriend before?” “no…”I answered , still crying. I’ve had a few crushes before, but I never got the courage to ask anyone out.. and I’m pretty sure they all would have rejected me anyways. Plus, I had to hide that I’m gay so no one would find out. If anyone found out, I’m pretty sure, they would have told my father and/or mocked me. Homophobia is pretty common where i live. You might think it was hard hiding my gayness but it was pretty easy for the most part… I’m not too girly or over the top so the hardest part about hiding my sexuality was the feelings of loneliness and isolation and the fear of what would happen if someone found out. That's why i never allowed myself to talk to anyone. Tough, I’ve always wanted to have someone to talk to. I’m not even asking for a boyfriend, just someone to talk to, a friend…  
I said it earlier, I have no friends. I used to have friends, but I pushed them all away with my inability to communicate with people like a normal person, my anger issues and how stubborn and immature I am… I know it’s my fault and I do feel guilty about it. I’m trying to change myself but it’s not working because of my previously mentioned stubbornness. Honestly, I can’t shake the feeling of not deserving to have a normal life. By that I mean to have friends, to be understood, to have healthy relations with people, to express myself correctly etc... Have you ever felt like that? Like you are so worthless, you don’t even deserve the basic human right to live a healthy life. And you know that’s not the way to go, but you simply can’t forgive and accept yourself? And even when someone tries to talk to you, you simply cut them off because you can't help but sabotage yourself? ...And you go lock yourself in your room and cry about how it all went wrong and how you can’t stop your own self-sabotaging behavior. The fact that I know it’s all my fault, but I can’t swallow my ego and admit it just makes it worse. Sometimes I wish someone else could take the blame for it all. Honestly, I’m fucking pathetic!  
I’ve thought about moving with my mother but I don’t know where she lives. She left us when I was little and my father and Kankri never told me why. I don’t even remember her name and looks. Plus, she probably won’t accept me. Who would want such a pathetic, miserable, overly emotional, stubborn, immature, gay piece of shit son like me anyway? No one!  
I’m not doing well in school. My grades are low and I don’t get along with the teachers. At least I’m not bullied. The kids don’t bother to talk to me. They know me as the grumpy silent kid who will cut them off if they try to talk to him. I can’t stand most of them. Thank god, the school year ends in two days. I’m trying to find a job for the summer, so I can hire a headquarter or at least be independent from my brother. Like, buy my own food, clothes and so on… For now, I’ve been rejected on a few places and tomorrow I have a job interview in the local cafeteria. I really hope I get the job there! Fingers crossed!

Gamzee’d POV:  
My name is Gamzee Makara and I’m 16 years old. My life is kinda sad. I live with uncaring mother and father, I abuse drugs, I have many problems in school, my friends are the shittiest people on earth, I owe them a lot of money and I can’t find a girl to be happy with and I suffer from anxiety, depression and panic attacks I can’t remember the last time my parents were proud of me. They never paid much attention to me, even when I was little. Most of the time they would glorify my older brother, Kurlos and ignore me altogether. I grew up feeling kinda lonely. Sometimes kids would pick on me because they knew no one would come to defend me… I couldn’t defend myself either…I remember, sometimes I would want to show my parents something, or I’d wanna do something with them and they’d simply reply with ‘latter, sweety’ or if they were having a bad day they’d tell at me ‘leave me alone’ with a rude tone. Same for when I was sad, angry or anything else. Except then they’d say ‘stop crying’ or ‘stop yelling’(and if they were angry, they’d add ‘…like a little brat’) I can’t remember ever feeling like I belong with them. Sometimes I even question if I’m really their child. My father has a hard time controlling his anger. I guess, he has passed this trait on me. Sometimes we get in fights and yell at each other and sometimes when I piss him off he would beat the shit out of me. Then I get the silent treatment for ‘disrespecting him’. Apparently, when I treat them the way they treat me, it’s disrespecting... I remember when I started school. Kids would often pick on me… I remained silent about it till around 3rd grade, then I started getting in fights with those who annoyed me. My mother had to come to school and meet the teachers because of it. That only made my parents to view me as more of ‘problem’ They always compared me to my older brother, Kurlos…’Kurlos went to collage” ”Kurlos was a straight-A student” “Kurlos has a girlfriend” ”Kurlos lives a great life, even tough he has a disability!” (Yes, he’s mute) “Kurlos this, Kurlos that” I started hating my brother because of all this comparing. Anyways… If I wasn’t fighting with my classmates, I’d take the role of a classclown and try to make everyone laugh. Being the classclown, my grades dropped, I started getting in fights with the teachers and I made a few friends… all of them shitty people…They usually ignore me and have fun together. Sometimes they go out without me (without even telling me, they’re going out), other times we go out together and they just pretend I don’t exist. They would call me only when they need a favor or when they need someone to have a smoke with. I’m an idiot for being their friend… Yeah, I smoke. I smoke, I drink and I do drugs. Heavy drugs. I started smoking cigarettes when I was in 7th grade. All my friends smoked and I started doing it too for a few reasons. First off, I wanted to be cool, second, I wanted to take my mind off of everything… school, family, some questions I had about life, my loneliness… I started drinking for the same reasons, too. Then I moved on to weed. That happened around 8th grade and in 9th grade I started doing heavier drugs… Most of my friends even started selling drugs, with me being their No1 client. That’s one of the reasons I owe them money, actually. I owe them a lot, I have no idea how I’m gonna pay it off. The school year ends in two days, so I guess I’ll start working during the summer break. I’m still not sure where can I start though. I haven’t even looked up places were they hire people. Plus, there is one more problem. I can’t quit my addiction. I don’t know if I’m gonna do a good job when all I think about is how to get that dose. I don’t even know where they’d hire me in the first place. I really look like an addict. Dark circles around the eyes, supper skinny, sick yellowish skin… I don’t look trustworthy at all. I look motherfucking ugly!  
I guess that’s why ladies don’t like me. My girlfriend dumped me a few weeks ago. We were together for about 5 mounts. Before her there was another girl that dumped me after 3 mounts of being with me… and before her there was another one… You get the idea... I wonder if I even belong with girls. Maybe I should all up and get a sweet piece of male booty, haha! I’m just joking… or maybe not? Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be with a guy, although I’d never say it out loud. Mostly because most people around me think of homosexuality as a disease. Although I’m not gay… I guess I’m bicurious. I would really appreciate it if I can find someone to love me tough…just the way I am…and maybe support me as I’m trying to get out of this mess that my life is, encourage me to quit doing drugs…just stay by my side…Y’know what I mean? I know I should do it all by myself but I don’t feel capable…I’m sure you know what I mean… I know, I’m hopeless, pathetic, a motherfucking idiot and it’s my motherfucking fault that my life is in such a shitty state…


End file.
